As you enter, please listen to this song for your consideration and take your seats to the funeral.
Thank you all for coming. We are here today to mourn the passing of Cornelius Allen, a beloved pet fish. He has left us here in the mortal world, and has been taken home by Poseidon, the father of the Seas. We come here today to mourn and to rejoice that the Father of the Seas has called his son home.
Please rise for the first song of mourning.
Nothing Else Matters
You may be seated.
Our Lord Poseidon, god of the Seas and protector of all those who dwell within, has called this young son home for the final time. We are left today to mourn the loss of our beloved fishy friend, Cornelius. We all rest assured that he is in the arms of our Lord, Poseidon, god of the Seas, and that he is indeed in a better place. We mark his passing with tears, but fear not, for though his mortal form has been presented to the porcelain gods, we know that Lord Poseidon will care for him, and that he will not be cast down into Davy Jones’ Locker.
We now play the song that Cornelius’ owner requested be played to mourn his passing.
By request: Night on Bald Mountain
Please be seated, as Kai Kiriyama will give the eulogy.
“Cornelius was a beloved pet fish.
He was a good fish. He was a very pretty fish. He was a betta, and, as bettas are wont to do, he was born with the most beautiful shades of blue and purple that I have ever been blessed to see upon a fish.
Cornelius lived a simple life, swimming aimlessly in his bowl in the kitchen. He slept in between the spiky leaves of his plastic plant, and he ate dried fish flakes with joy. He was larger than his dearly departed brother, Igor, and though they were in separate bowls, when they did see one another, Cornelius would flare out his neck frills and scare his brother off.
Cornelius seemed to always be looking for love, his tank was almost always rimmed with bubble nests he would spend hours creating to attract a mate, and though he died alone without ever finding a soul mate, he never once complained. And he never cursed the cruel hand of fate that brought him to live in the tank in the kitchen.
It was a shock, to be honest, that he passed on so suddenly. He showed no signs of sickness, and was just making bubble nests a few days ago.
But he is gone, and he went peacefully. As peacefully as one can expect from a fish dying so suddenly.
So now we are left to mourn his passing. As we do, we now commit his body to the porcelain gods, that his corporeal form may be spared the harsh disgusting reality of rotting in the trash. We bury him now amongst the porcelain gods, and we pray that he might find solace in the afterlife.
As the waters surrounding his burial take his lifeless, empty body away, we weep and ask that Poseidon takes his little fishy soul to the gates of fish heaven. We send our supplications and prayers that Cornelius will be born again in the crystal waters of Poseidon’s rice paddies and that he may finally find peace and love amongst his dead fishy brethren.”
And now, we pray.
Oh Lord Poseidon, also called Neptune,
We pray to you, wise ruler of the seas and all the creatures that swell within.
Please see our sorrow for the passing of your son, [Cornelius].
Look upon us mortals and give us your peace.
And as we so send the earthly remains of your son [Cornelius] to the watery grave of the Porcelain gods,
We pray that you will find his fishy soul and welcome him home to your palace in the heavens.
Give [Cornelius] a place amongst your kin,
And take him home to his heavenly court, and not to be damned in Davy Jones’ Locker.
Wise Lord Poseidon, we beseech you.
Fishes to fishes, rust to rust.
As you leave, this song begins to play, to remind you to go on living.
Going Out In Style
Kai Kiriyama is still alive in the YYC area, living with her pet hedgehog, Odin, and her snake, Rhaegar. She has not had enough sleep, or caffeine to make up for this blog entry.
You can find her (most of the time) sitting in her office behind her laptop and pretending to write.
If you have a eulogy you need to give, but would like her to write for you, contact Kai in one of the following ways:
Tweet to Kai: @thekiriyamaheir
Facebook: Kai Kiriyama on Facebook
Or to talk to her in more than 140 characters, email her: email@example.com