Oh God WTF did I just read?

Okay, so I love to carouse fan fiction. I love it. It’s hilarious, disgusting, thought provoking, emotionally draining, and a lot of the times is a serious ego boost for me.

And once in a while, you find some absolute gems.

Hell, a couple of very good friends of mine were met and made through fan fiction.

But I’ve also had my (un)fair share of reading REALLY REALLY GODAWFULLY BAD fan fics.

I have a few triggers, and lately I have unintentionally found all the stories that make me want to bleach my brain and gouge out my eyes. I have the worst luck ever.

But thinking about it, I have to stop and laugh. It’s just so insane.

I was also talking to my sister about this, about the horrible, scary fan fics out there, and how we KNOW most of the actors who portray these characters are aware that these stories exist. So my sister asked me a very interesting question.

“What would your reaction be, Kai, if you found out there were stories written about you like this?”

First off, I’d be flattered. Even if it wasn’t ME per se, but just my CHARACTERS? Oh hell yes, GO FOR IT. I think that means I’ve reached a certain level of notoriety right? If my characters are busily humping each other in someone else’s mind? Cool. I’m cool with that.

If you’re writing about me specifically? (And don’t deny it, it exists.) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You really couldn’t think of someone better to fantasize about?

Okay, well, let’s pretend that someone out there is writing fan fics about me. Based on what I’ve read, my reaction would be three-fold after I get over the initial flattery, shock and embarrassment.

First, wow. What most of these bad fics are suggesting is highly unlikely to be possible. I’m afraid of heights, even standing on a chair to change a lightbulb or get something off a high shelf SUCKS. And I’m honestly not THAT flexible. I get it, it’s fantasy, but you gotta work with realism. (I’m not gonna let myself be tied in a knot and put on a shelf for a harem of sex-crazy demons to do what they please with. Or whatever the hell that was that was happening in that fan fic.)

I AM NOT THAT FLEXIBLE. I don’t think anyone is. Try to remember that, okay, erotica writers?

Two, just ’cause YOU think it’s sexy, doesn’t mean we all do. Gotta remember those triggers, man. If you wanna know what my big ones that hit the “NOPE” switch are, just ask. I’m really not that pervy, I just pretend like I am because this is the internet and girls aren’t welcome here.

And finally…

Dudes, seriously? You’re writing bondage? And you have to stop the ‘action’ to get something to tie your characters up with? Holy SHIT. I wear a paracord bracelet 99.9% of the time, and if I’m not WEARING it, it’s somewhere close at hand BECAUSE I CAN NEVER BE WITHOUT MY STUPID FUCKING ROPE.

Good Lord, I guess it all really does boil down to realism, doesn’t it?

Well, now, I guess I should go back and finish reading these bad fan fics. I don’t plan on sleeping any time soon…

Kai Kiriyama lives in the frozen north known as Canada with her pet snake, Rhaegar.

Yes, she actually does have a paracord bracelet. The current one is purple.

If you wanna know what makes her tick, feel free to contact her at any of the following locations:

email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
facebook: facebook.com/authorkkaikiriyama
tumblr: thekiriyamaheir.tumblr.com

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About kaikiriyama

I'm a writer. I write everything from shorts, to novels to screenplays and then some. I like comic books, ponies, zombies, pokemon, monsters, demons, vampires and mythology. I walk a fine line between badass, scary and girly. View all posts by kaikiriyama

2 responses to “Oh God WTF did I just read?

  • Vicki Trask

    I think you just described exactly why I love and hate fan fiction. The section (tv, movies etc.) that I currently reside in and write for actually has some really good writers and our fair share of bad ones but nothing so bad as to make me want to claw my eyes out (unless it's crack fiction and thus supposed to be really bad and random) but as I look through other categories and read fiction I want to gag at the unrealistic characterization and flimsy plots. I don't read M fics EXCEPT in the section I live in for that exact reason. But sometimes there are fics that are so bad I can't help but laugh my ass off but then afterwards I sit there and think "does the writer honestly think like this or are they going for the laugh". If you haven't yet read 'My Immortal' it's a Harry Potter fic that is piss yourself funny because it is so bad. That is all…

  • Kai Kiriyama

    Oh God, yes, My Immortal… Let's not talk about that anymore. :P I just don't understand how anything so unrealistic can be considered hot. If you TRY to do half of what happens in these crazy fics, you're gonna end up with one or both of you in the hospital. I blame the unrealistic sex in the media (and yes, the porn industry) for first giving these writers these unrealistic ideas.I'm honestly not sure which I find worse, though: the unrealistic sex, or the poor characterization and misrepresentation of the characters in these works!

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