Irregular Update: Anxiety!

As I’ve been rambling, Blaze Tuesday and the Case of the Knight Surgeon is being released on Tuesday, March 19, 2013.

As of this writing, that’s 2 weeks.

This is my first novel that is being published.

I thought I was okay. Y’know? Excited. Dreaming big, dreaming bigger than that. Doing all that I can, currently to build up an audience and promote the book release. Starting to look at offline promo that I can do for a book that has some serious niche marketing etc.

And then it dawned on me.

I have a book coming out in 2 weeks.

The next time I go to hang out with the writer’s group I’m a part of, as we meet up once a month and then meet up and do write-ins during NaNoWriMo, I will be a published author.

I love my book. I love my characters. I am so happy that there was a third party willing to pick up the title, hand me a contract and say “let’s make this a reality.”

And I’ve been really, really excited.

Unfortunately, all of a sudden, this excitement has turned into a nervous kind of anxiety. A lot of what ifs. A lot “of oh my God, this isn’t actually happening.” A lot of self-doubt.

Just writing this all out, putting my feelings into the aether of the internet is making me feel worse. I have anxious jitters and it’s making me wanna throw up.

We say that we’re our own biggest critics and I think that is definitely very true. I know that I can be my own worst enemy a lot of the time. I’m the one full of self-doubt and anxiety.

I was warned about this, and I was all like “na’ah, I’ll be okay. I’m a trooper. I’m invincible. I’m more than just a mere mortal, I have caffeine and self-imposed deadlines! I’ll just stay insanely busy and ignore the jotters!”

Well, I was wrong. I have the jitters.

Usually I’m insanely cocky and self-assured. I’m convinced that things will go viral or explode or something and that I’m gonna rise to fame from nothing and join the ranks of supreme authors like J.K. Rowling, Stephen King and yes, even Stephanie Meyers.  Usually I’m dreaming big and convinced that this is GOING TO HAPPEN. Right now. People are gonna be clamoring for the next installment pretty much as soon as the first one hits shelves.

But then that feeling subsides a little bit and the anxiety sets in. Jitters. Worry. Fear.

Mostly, I’m afraid that I’m just gonna be sitting here with a novel and I’m gonna be just screaming into the void forever. I”m afraid that no one will love it. I’m afraid that it’s all been pointless.

I’m my own worst enemy, and I don’t think that anything is gonna make this easier until the book is released.


By the way, there’s a cover contest running right now. I’d really love it if you’d enter. Blaze needs a cover. You can find the details here, and the first chapter is up for consumption at the bottom, too.


About kaikiriyama

I'm a writer. I write everything from shorts, to novels to screenplays and then some. I like comic books, ponies, zombies, pokemon, monsters, demons, vampires and mythology. I walk a fine line between badass, scary and girly. View all posts by kaikiriyama

2 responses to “Irregular Update: Anxiety!

  • The Madame

    It’s good to vent and all I can say is I am so proud of you and no matter what doubts you may have you’re very accomplished and nerves are a good sign.

    • kaikiriyama

      Thank you! It means a lot to me to know that I have god friends who are with me on this INSANE journey I’ve managed to embark myself upon. I should build myself a Fellowship. I think I need to know more Dwarfs though. :D

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