WARNING: This is a rant. I am pretty mad right now. I am planning to cuss in this one. You’ve been warned.
All right, so it’s not really children that I hate. I can deal with them in small amounts, and usually the children I (am forced to) socialize with are relatively well-behaved.
It’s the PARENTS who I wish to destroy in all forms of violent and gratuitous manners.
I went to see Brave tonight with my sister. (She is my youngest sister and is 15.) What a great movie! It would have been more than great but we decided to go on a Tuesday night. At 7:15. AND THE THEATRE WAS FILLED WITH CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 5.
Who the ever-lovin’ fuck takes their toddlers out to a movie at 7 on a Tuesday night?
Obviously every douchebaggy parent in the city.
I was perfectly willing to accept the fact that there were children in the theatre. I wasn’t sure what to expect from another Disney-Pixar movie (except that it was guaranteed that I would cry at least once during the movie.) I certainly didn’t expect there to be as many families with young children there as there were! A family with two very young children (I’m guessing that they were both under 4 years old and the younger of the two was 18 months) sat in front of us.
I didn’t swear about that fact, the baby was really adorable.
Until about 30 minutes into the movie when this kid wouldn’t stop fussing and crying.
Now, this is a 2-parent family. Mom and Dad were both sitting there, with both kids and one of them was screaming and crying. Well, Mom was an obese woman and she didn’t do a damn thing. She didn’t get off her fat ass and take care of this crying kid. No, instead, she loudly told her (husband?) to take the kid out of the theatre after he had been crying for TEN FUCKING MINUTES.
Ten minutes?? Really? You couldn’t get off your ass to take your screaming kid out of the theatre so that you didn’t disturb anyone else? And then you make your male-thing take the screaming child outside? You lazy bitch.
Here’s the kicker to this story: THE DAD COMES BACK ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER AND SAYS THAT HE CAN’T CALM THE KID DOWN!!
So now we’re treated to the Dad loudly insisting that the kid won’t calm down, the kid is STILL FUCKING CRYING and I can’t hear the whispers of the Scottish characters on the screen because of the bullshit caterwauling this damn kid is making.
I don’t go out a lot. I don’t have a huge budget for going out and I usually spend what little extra money I have on books or sometimes on meals out with friends or on beer. When I DO get to go out, it’s a huge deal and a real treat for me. So to have the first movie that I’ve seen in theatres since Toy Story 3 (we saw the Avengers in theares, but that was a birthday party, so I don’t really count it as a movie night because we budgeted for my birthday party to be a movie and dinner) ruined by a screaming child does not sit well with me.
I was about to say something but the kid finally shut up, so I was relieved of that duty, thankfully.
But this same lazy bitch is such a terrible parent that when we were getting up to leave the theatre (well, when THEY were) she just stood there and yelled at her children until they listened to her. She didn’t try to be polite, she didn’t try to be a good parent. Hell, she wasn’t even responsible. She just stood there yelling at her hyper, screaming toddlers as other people were trying to leave.
Fuck it, not my problem.
When the credits finished (because almost every movie has a little scene of awesome after the credits nowadays, and Brave was no exception) we got up and all had to go to the bathroom. So my sister and I head into the ladies room.
Lo and behold, there is a Cineplex staff member using the washroom. She obviously wasn’t on a break as she was trying her damnedest to hustle out of the bathroom after washing her hands but no. Some dumb blonde bitch of a mother (wearing booty shorts and toting two children, again probably both under the age of 4) starts harassing this poor girl!
“Don’t you clean these bathrooms? You should talk to your manager! These counters are all wet and small children get soaked when we have to wash their hands! I’m going to speak to your manager about this! Why can’t you people wipe this up?”
Fuck’s sake, you stupid blonde bimbo! Why don’t YOU wipe the fucking water up if it’s such a problem? Or, you know, if you were a better parent you would hold your kid up to the sink in a manner that wouldn’t get them wet in the first place.
Most public washrooms that don’t have doors (like at most malls here, and almost all the theatres) don’t have paper towels anymore. Waste reduction and blah blah blah. So how the fuck do you expect anyone to wipe the counters every five fucking minutes?
And this poor girl was just trying to pee and wash her hands so that she could get back to work. There’s no need for you to hassle her! Fuck.
I don’t understand why these young mothers think that they are so entitled to whatever the fuck they want. Oh good for you, you had unprotected sex and now you have reproduced. Fuck you. Do you want a fucking cookie? ANYONE can have a goddamn child. It’s not that difficult to procreate. Why the fuck are you so self-entitled? Why are you such a goddamn prick?
And why the fuck are you so inconsiderate towards everyone else around you?
Y’know what? Fuck it. I don’t want to know.
What I WANT is for all of these self-entitled bitches to fuck right off and crawl back into whatever fucking suburb they crawled out of because frankly? I don’t give a shit about you. I don’t give a shit about your children. You’re the inconsiderate bitch who is ruining my movie-date. You’re the self-entitled prick who blames everything on everyone else.
You’re not a special goddamn snowflake just ’cause you squeezed out another living being from between your flabby, self-righteous thighs. You haven’t birthed the next King Arthur.
You’re just another sad sack of a human being, a waste of skin filled with hot air and bullshit and honestly, you don’t deserve to have these kids in public.
So kindly crawl back into your rich, white-privilege, suburb-friendly, penis envying, gas guzzling car and let me at least have my one night out to myself without wanting to set the zombie apocalypse loose on the cinema and then rampage and kill you first.
Shit, there’s definitely a reason why I prefer books over movies.
Kai Kiriyama is a self-righteous bitch in her own right. While she doesn’t have kids of her own, she’s taken her younger siblings out to movies when they were kids and not a blessed one of them was misbehaved.
Also, she regrets nothing.
Email her at email@example.com if you wanna complain.
And follow her on Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
She welcomes the backlash.